I feel like I have come home to shed some skin. All of these mistakes that I have made, I have come home to start learning from them; to choose the pieces that I want to keep as part of myself. To decide how memories from the past - these memories that make me cringe and make me ashamed - are going to influence my next step, my next self. You can't move away from somewhere and begin a new life without changing your current definition of self. That's where I am at: a crossroad, an opportunity, a place where I can reevaluate all of the pieces of my history and mould them into the person I want to be next.

And I can't say this enough: I can't wait to travel so the world can teach me more than I have learned in this one life I have lived so far.

schoolnight concerns

There once was a girl who knew what she wanted to do with her life. She wanted to make it big and she wanted to make it full - the kind of life they write books about. The kind of life that is never forgotten. She wanted to help others with their days, making them more pretty and more light and more wonderful. She wanted to express herself, and utilize all of the talents she had. She wanted to create art, whether it be physical or metaphorical or allegorical. She wanted to feel busy, challenged, and excited. She wanted to laugh, to make others smile. She never wanted to feel like she was doing something typical, or basic. One step ahead. One step beyond.

Was she asking too much? Was she asking for something possible?

living alone, pride

rekindling my spark, i think it's time i start to write again

i have now started my four month period where i will be living in my own apartment. no roommates. so far, it has just been fantastic. i love the smell in the morning when i wake up and not only is my apartment clean, but the coffee that i make is all for me. i can watch movies loud, and even on repeat when i want to (currently good will hunting, one of my favourites). the first thing i recommend to any other 21-year-old girl embarking on this solo living journey, is to rearrange everything. to turn on your favourite new album (perhaps adele's 21 or the strokes) and make the place entirely your own. this is home now, i feel safe and confident, and i have already noticed a bounce in my step.

now THIS is the way to start the summer. now this is the way to be single. now this is the way to be free.

my life is so exciting right now that i am sitting in my living room, by myself, on saturday night, while all my friends are out dancing, watching hockey. the leafs won their game and when they scored the last goal i actually threw my hands up in the air and said, "yes!" and then shot them back down and shook my head at myself. whatta life i live.

i'm getting my surgery in about ten days and it is becoming so surreal. i wish so badly that as soon as the surgery was over i could rip off my shirt and say, "LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL NEW TITTIESS!!!!!" to everyone who was walking by, but i have recently been reminded that they are going to be all black and green and blue and swollen and have a gruesome scar for weeks. poo.

i just want to share,

but what counts is this endless moment
this back-broken moment
swarming over his legs
i want he says
i mean
what do you want?
he's choking

today was supposed to be the day

i am feeling very quiet and antisocial and singular and i couldn't figure out why and now i remember and i don't think it makes me feel better but atleast it answers one of my many many whys

soft snow sailing slowly, sleep

i'm gonna find me a reckless man
razor blades and ice in his eyes
just a touch of sadness in his fingers
thunder and lightning in his thighs

i think i am sort of seeing someone, and it is sort of crazy that that's true, but i think i am
and he makes me laugh and has such a good heart and brings me orange juice and walks through snowstorms to cuddle with me under christmas lights at 2 in the morning