my love,

2012-01-08T00:49:00.000-04:00

I feel like I have come home to shed some skin. All of these mistakes that I have made, I have come home to start learning from them; to choose the pieces that I want to keep as part of myself. To decide how memories from the past - these memories that make me cringe and make me ashamed - are going to influence my next step, my next self. You can't move away from somewhere and begin a new life without changing your current definition of self. That's where I am at: a crossroad, an opportunity, a place where I can reevaluate all of the pieces of my history and mould them into the person I want to be next.

And I can't say this enough: I can't wait to travel so the world can teach me more than I have learned in this one life I have lived so far.

schoolnight concerns

2011-09-13T00:37:00.002-03:00

There once was a girl who knew what she wanted to do with her life. She wanted to make it big and she wanted to make it full - the kind of life they write books about. The kind of life that is never forgotten. She wanted to help others with their days, making them more pretty and more light and more wonderful. She wanted to express herself, and utilize all of the talents she had. She wanted to create art, whether it be physical or metaphorical or allegorical. She wanted to feel busy, challenged, and excited. She wanted to laugh, to make others smile. She never wanted to feel like she was doing something typical, or basic. One step ahead. One step beyond.

Was she asking too much? Was she asking for something possible?

living alone, pride

2011-04-21T12:16:00.003-03:00

rekindling my spark, i think it's time i start to write again

i have now started my four month period where i will be living in my own apartment. no roommates. so far, it has just been fantastic. i love the smell in the morning when i wake up and not only is my apartment clean, but the coffee that i make is all for me. i can watch movies loud, and even on repeat when i want to (currently good will hunting, one of my favourites). the first thing i recommend to any other 21-year-old girl embarking on this solo living journey, is to rearrange everything. to turn on your favourite new album (perhaps adele's 21 or the strokes) and make the place entirely your own. this is home now, i feel safe and confident, and i have already noticed a bounce in my step.

now THIS is the way to start the summer. now this is the way to be single. now this is the way to be free.

2009-02-08T00:24:00.002-04:00

my life is so exciting right now that i am sitting in my living room, by myself, on saturday night, while all my friends are out dancing, watching hockey. the leafs won their game and when they scored the last goal i actually threw my hands up in the air and said, "yes!" and then shot them back down and shook my head at myself. whatta life i live.

i'm getting my surgery in about ten days and it is becoming so surreal. i wish so badly that as soon as the surgery was over i could rip off my shirt and say, "LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL NEW TITTIESS!!!!!" to everyone who was walking by, but i have recently been reminded that they are going to be all black and green and blue and swollen and have a gruesome scar for weeks. poo.

i just want to share,

2008-12-22T00:28:00.001-04:00

but what counts is this endless moment
this back-broken moment
swarming over his legs
i want he says
i mean
what do you want?
he's choking

2008-12-17T03:38:00.002-04:00

today was supposed to be the day

i am feeling very quiet and antisocial and singular and i couldn't figure out why and now i remember and i don't think it makes me feel better but atleast it answers one of my many many whys

soft snow sailing slowly, sleep

2008-12-13T02:51:00.003-04:00

i'm gonna find me a reckless man
razor blades and ice in his eyes
just a touch of sadness in his fingers
thunder and lightning in his thighs

i think i am sort of seeing someone, and it is sort of crazy that that's true, but i think i am
and he makes me laugh and has such a good heart and brings me orange juice and walks through snowstorms to cuddle with me under christmas lights at 2 in the morning

2008-12-04T18:56:00.003-04:00

i am remembering that there are movies out there,

"sometimes there's so much beauty in the world i feel like i can't take it and my heart is just going to cave in"

"i always tell the girls: never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt and if you never get hurt you always have fun and if you ever get lonely, you just go to the record store, and visit your friends"

passing by the fire

2008-11-20T12:22:00.002-04:00

in the empty room, with its shutters closed,
and its lights spent, i passed by the fire.

and i saw that it still burned, that it was even,
at that moment, poised between
the powers of ash and of ember,
wen the flame can choose to be
either raging or subdued in the arms
of what it has seduced on its bed
of fragrant grasses and dead wood.
he is the jagged piece of branch i brought in
yesterday, in the summer rain falling suddenly so hard.
he seems one of the gods of india, watching
with all the gravity of a first love
the one who asks of him that she be wrapped
in the lightning from before the worlds.

tomorrow i will stir,
the nearly cold flame, and doubtless
it will be a summer day like those
the sky offers to all the rivers, those of earth,
and those, darker ones, of blood. man and woman,
when do they ever know
that their passion is binding or coming apart?
what wisdom in their hearts could ever sense
that, as the light flickers,
their cry of joy becomes a cry of anguish?

morning fire,
the breathing of two people asleep,
the arm of one on the shoulder of the other.

and i who came
to open the room, let in the light,
i stop, i sit there, i watch you,
innocence of the sprawling limbs,
time so full it ceases to be.

- yves bonnefoy

(this is what all school reading should be like)

blindsided

2008-11-16T19:33:00.002-04:00

i wish that i was on tour or something while i was writing all of these blogs so that i had something exciting to write about. but i'm not. i am just a girl who is studying the world around her and who works at starbucks and who is looking forward to christmas. that is who i am right now. it makes me feel small.

i was supposed to be getting surgery on december 17th but i am not anymore. it is being postponed. my mom told me a couple of days ago and she said she was scared to tell me. i don't remember ever hearing my mom admit to being scared. i cried when she told me, i felt so helpless and so sad that that was being taken away from me. it made me realize how it is what i really want. i am trying to keep the glass half full.

i am leaving to go home for the break on december 10th, and i just started getting excited for it today. i have a lot of work to do before then, and i have become the queen of procrastination. well, actually, me being the queen of procrastination isn't really a new thing. i want to read books over christmas. i want to see my friends and play in the snow and read books.

i have been listening to bon iver, sufjan stevens, and joshua radin. i am getting quiet again.

bon iver - re: stacks

2008-11-15T14:06:00.000-04:00

i made myself chocolate chip pancakes and ate them in bed this morning!

but now my belly hurts from chocolate in the morning. my life is metaphorical.

my hometown

2008-11-02T17:01:00.001-04:00

i like reading the posts of people who love one another. the best ones are the ones that are stupid and simple and say, "we need cheese!" or "don't lose my sweater!" but if you know they love one another than that sweater or that cheese is so much more. they could've called. they could've sent it as an email or something secret, but they wanted the world to know just a little bit that they are there. the messages aren't "that was the best kiss ever" or things like that, that's too easy. to show your love through dairy or wool is so much more.

i saw stars last night and they are beautiful. their music is beautiful, and they have so much passion and soul that just EXPLOOOOOOOOOOODES all over me every time i see them. amy is a rock star, and torque's name is torque, so he is one too. i miss the days where i cried at concerts because the songs packed so many things into notes for me that they spilled out of the corners of my eyes. hegel taught me that crying and laughing are proof that this body is mine, and my soul uses it to show off.

just hold just hold just hold, your cup is like home

very, very delicate

2008-10-30T00:32:00.000-03:00

it all happened one year ago.

it was so quiet, so dark. there are blurry lights that swim around in the sea of wicked air behind him. the monster is posed, attacking. he makes it look easy, to cross that line. to break that seal, to turn me from girl/woman/human to thing/object/place. i am shallow, it doesn't take long for the bleed and i roll and run and slur "no". i said no more times than i can count on my fingers and toes.

that is the deepest i've let words come from in a long time.

2008-10-22T21:37:00.000-03:00

I WANT TO PUNCH THIS GUY IN THE FACE.
he is lucky he is dead. pft.

i have been working my bum off all day on a paper and i am still pretty sure that i am not going to do well on the paper. it isn't due for another four days, but i don't know. i don't know! it is just unfortunate that i am so much desire to do well and am really doing the work for it, but chances are...i won't do well anyway. boo.

my girl roommate decided that she is going to skip a week of school and hang out with her boyfriend in fredericton. hmpfh. i don't even know what to say. the boy roommates are being nice though! yes yes!

55 days.

2008-10-18T12:33:00.001-03:00

i am head over heels in love with that face.

one more time

2008-10-17T17:04:00.000-03:00

my roommates are driving me crazy.

all three of them have gone home this weekend, though, so that is a plus. i just did some turbo-cleaning in the apartment that they left terrifyingly messy so that i can live in peace and hygiene this weekend. it is so frustrating living here. there is already so much drama in our house, and it is only mid-october! we were supposed to be the peaceful house where you can come home and breathe, but no. we are not. we are definitely not. never again will i live with boys, ever ever. until i marry one of them, maybe.

i miss yoga. i can't wait for december. i want to see bone.

2008-10-15T20:19:00.000-03:00

i am writing this instead of my homework assignment.

i went home this weekend! it was interesting. the weather was like a picture book for fall, and i got to see all the lovelies i wanted to see. i learned how one of my friends is an all new person, and as long as i can remember that they love me love me, then i have to just accept that i can't expect anything from them anymore. they make my heart weep.

being home also made me realize how many people that are from my hometown, and from other hometowns, who don't have any dreams. i have so much to do with my time! i want to see every corner of the world, i want to fly, i want to learn until i can't fit anything else in my brain, there is so much for me to do! and then i keep running into people who are so content with just finding husband or wife and having babies and have the smallest lives they can. it's not for me. never will that be for me.

i also hate leah miller's guts.

i am drinking white wine. i love this, i love being nineteen and being able to just have a glass of wine when i want one! some of the parts about growing up are great.

oh be careful!

2008-10-05T22:18:00.001-03:00

today i woke up way too early for someone nursing a hangover, and did the cbcf run for the cure. it was an interesting experience, since it has come to my attention how "cool" breast cancer has become as a cause. so many products are pink, or have the little ribbon - why does breast cancer get so much attention? not that i am not so proud to have run today, but really, what is the difference? it is probably about the boobs, like a lot of things in my life.

i wish i was going home for thanksgiving.

western front

2008-09-29T20:21:00.000-03:00

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9153550196656656736

that video is something special. it got me more because she has an ipod at the beginning. i don't like thinking of my dad's great great great company as causing so much shit in the world. but it is. it completely 100% is doing all of those things that it says.

i don't even really like my courses, i am not inspired to think, read, remember, take in. what a weird place to be - i am so tired all ready and september isn't even over!

but i have stars tickets, so i'll be alright. i wish my room was black and white, that i was black and white, that i could have contrast so easy.

midday hangover

2008-09-27T16:06:00.000-03:00

of course i spend all day telling my friends to "toughen up!" and "just get ready to go out!" all day, and then around now i start getting a headache. my usual cure for a hangover is green tea, bananas, pickles (which i just realized i forgot to buy at the grocery store! oh no!), and a twenty minute shower. atleast i have three out of the four.

ryan is visiting this weekend from springhill, as well as brody, who is jodie's boyfriend. our house is nice and full, and there is always someone to talk to. this morning at the market there were so many of us and atleast one person kept on getting lost just because of sheer numbers. the market it one of my favourite places in halifax. i also really like that this boy brian goes every weekend, i think it is a very attractive quality. he's dependable.

ryan is fascinated by everything. because he grew up in a small town, anything that is big or new or creative or busy blows his mind. it is contageous. it makes me see all the things that i see every day, like the specificity of starbucks or my blackberry, to suddenly be wonderous. he also makes things funny that i would never have been able to make funny. i miss having ryan here. not many people here do miss him, but i miss him.

every day i have a new revelation about how much i like my halifax friends. we brighten this place up.

yogalady!

2008-09-25T23:05:00.001-03:00

the past two days i have gone to a yoga class at the dalhousie gym. i have been anti-exercise for a very long time, and today was the first day where i really felt like i could get used to this. classes are offered six days a week, and i only have class during one of them! in today's class, the position in the picture was the only one that i couldn't do. that felt pretty great. achieving a goal in yoga is totally different than any other exercise i have done before. you can breathe through it, you can do it! it is all my body, and i feel so in control (& being in control is a big goal of mine this year). it seems like i have found the perfect exercise for me - this is very, very exciting! it has taken a very long time.

last night when i hung out with a friend of mine because he promised to help me with my spanish, it felt great. it was the first time we felt like all friends, complete friends, wonderful friends. comfortable friends. plus, i need some people who play smash brothers at my level. it has been a while!

i am so ready for the weekend. i need to catch up on sleep! holy moly! i am trying to do everything right now, and if i could get by on four hours sleep, i would be totally successful so far. but, unfortuately, i need more than that. and i definitely cannot afford to get sick. if i get sick i will be able to do nothing, and i will not only fall behind in my classes and let down my fellow starbuckians, but i will be sick. it would be tragic.

i keep saying that i am looking for a spark, but today i don't feel like i am. today i am so happy as myself, with my friends, and my goals, and what i stand for. i am standing up so straight.

thank you yoga for polishing of this posture.

2008-08-08T01:04:00.001-03:00

i finally have my computer back! lia has returned from costa rica with a boyfriend, a tan, and an attitude. but she's growing, atleast she is growing.

learning to do nothing this summer has been a surprisingly worthwhile lesson. i have caught up on more than enough sleep, even with starbucks opening at five o'clock in the morning. today my boss found me a new position at a location in halifax, saying the manager was a "fool if he didn't take me". it is nice to hear these things.

another thing that was very nice about today was ray visiting my store! he introduced to me to his colleague as a "good, good friend of the family", and not just a friend of darien. i have a friend for life, i have another family for life, it feels majestic. the pons' make me feel like a gajillion dollars.

halifax in 22 days, nineteen in 16! i am full of countdowns, i am full of excitement. i miss darien so much that it hurts, but i am at peace.

you see that they're beautiful?

2008-07-03T01:54:00.000-03:00

i am constantly this summer feeling like a smaller and smaller person. smaller and quieter and softer: less hopeful. i am not attracted to anyone right now - i am not sexually driven, i am more or less sexually afraid. i went to see wall-e tonight with britney and my family, and that just made me feel smaller and more afraid: even if i wanted to make a difference, i am only one person, can one person with no control make that difference? you would have to become a big person to make that difference, wouldn't you? could you?

i also have trouble believing that i am actually going back to halifax again, where i atleast know that something fun will happen from time to time. thais came home today, and apparently her life is completely different yet i had no idea. sus is still in the wilderness. where are my friends! what is going on!

it was like a hurricane of love and suddenly! stop.

clean up!

2008-06-30T20:53:00.000-03:00

i am trying my hardest to find a way to grow up my room. i have too many things, and i don't want most of them anymore. what to do what to do!

britney has let me borrow lots and lots of her cds, and i am trying not to let them get lost in my mess. i like page france the best so far.

i miss my friends already and darien left this morning and dana leaves wednesday and kevin is only in guelph. but i very much miss them. i have lovely friends. this weekend's fantasterific dance party made me see that i still am so silly and so fun! come back friends, come back!